Tackling What Can Be a Tough Topic: Coping with Loss
Excerpt from Blog idea notes – June 8, 2018
When I was 14, my 4-year-old Shetland Sheepdog was killed by a car. She had moved with my parents and me to England when I left older siblings and friends behind in the U.S. That probably made her even more important to me. Overwhelmed with shock and sadness, I followed my urge not to feel that way and asked my family not to talk about her. I wouldn’t even look at the spot where my father had lovingly buried her, wrapped in the quilt she slept on every night at the foot of my bed. Thinking about her was just too painful. My family complied. We didn’t know any better. At school, my teacher and classmates were kind. Yet, I never spoke of it. I did not work my grief.
The next time I lost a dog was yesterday. This is, and will be, a very different experience. She was sick for a while, and I made sure to talk and cry with my friends about it. One of them answered my phone call to the vet saying it was time, asking for help to end her suffering. I took time to say all the things I needed to say to her to have a beautiful goodbye. This time, I will talk about her. I will let my people love me through it. I will love myself enough to work my grief.
In the first part of the series on managing grief and loss, I shared my Bite of Wisdom #1: Work your grief, or it will work you. This week we’ll get specific about how to effectively mourn because it costs us too much if we don’t. I believe that too many people suffer when they grieve, and it doesn’t have to be that way. There’s a difference between pain and suffering. Think of suffering as pain with distress added to it. Pain is a healthy, necessary part of loss. Suffering is not. Pain comes from the feelings for the person, or experience, that is lost. It honors the person, you, and the experience. Suffering, on the other hand, happens when we resist pain. You can choose not to suffer, and I want you to know how to do that.
How do we learn to do something that no one likes, or even avoids, talking about?
Grief Wisdom Bite #2: Grief works in mysterious ways.
If you’re worried that what you’re experiencing is abnormal, stop. I’ve heard of, and had, completely understandable experiences that may seem odd to the person who hasn’t grieved that way before. Realize that your mind and heart are trying to process a loss, so all kinds of thoughts and emotions may emerge. My first experience with this was as a teenager months after the death of my pup. I thought I saw her trotting down the street where I used to walk her. Yet I knew it wasn’t possible. Fortunately, I knew not to manage alone and reached out to my mother so she could end my worry, telling me it was grief, and probably some hope too, at work. She assured me that I wasn’t crazy: that my mind had created a wish to soothe my heart.
Be accepting and kind to yourself.
I have sat with so many people over the years who, when they were really hurting, added to their anguish by evaluating and criticizing themselves for how they were coping. Accept that you will have your own experience, feelings, and a unique way forward. Doing that will spare you unnecessary distress. Often people refer to the stages of grief outlined by founding grief expert Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. Some people think her model dictates the “right” way to progress after a loss. They wonder if they’re doing it wrong as they never got angry or didn’t remember bargaining. Her model is meant to be used as a guide, not a hard and fast rule, to understand and normalize your experience.
Grief Wisdom Bite #3: Your feelings are a call to action.
My 1-2 punch for expert mood management applies here. Ask yourself #1 What am I feeling? and #2 What do I need to do right now? After a major loss, the weeks and months are a time for you to pay close attention to your emotions. And your well-being needs you to be thoughtful and intentional about how you manage them.
Let’s say that the initial shock, numbness, and raw pain have subsided a bit, as they do over time, and you notice that you’ve been feeling down, so down for many, many hours (or many, many days). It feels like too many hours or days. With lots of crying, so much crying that you’re exhausted from it. Maybe there’s been too much eating of the wrong stuff or too much alcohol. Grief can be like depression - it can whisper to you, telling you to stay in bed, in your PJs… “it’s okay, you’re going through something.” If you’re serious about wanting to grieve well, not suffer, this is the moment to choose powerfully. Go for a walk, take a shower and put day clothes on, call someone, or just get busy doing something. Whether you feel like it or not.
Whatever you feel - sadness, anxiety, anger, don’t push it away because it hurts to feel it. We’ve all had the sensation of grief building inside us. Brought on by a memory, someone mentioning your loss, a smell or sight that reminds you. Those feelings are your heart and mind wisely requesting your attention. I know this sometimes happens when you’re in a situation where it doesn’t feel like the time to show your feelings – you’re in public or in a work meeting -- or the day needs your mind focused elsewhere. When that happens, make time later, as soon as possible, to care for yourself and return to those feelings.
Do you know what some people, probably those who don’t often cry, say about letting themselves mourn? That they’re afraid if they start letting it out, crying, they’ll never stop or be overwhelmed, which isn’t true. If this sounds like you, can you trust that you have the ability to open up, feel it all, and then wrap yourself back up? And be better off for it?
Myth: Crying is a sign of weakness.
Reality: Crying to express grief is a strength. It is wise. Here’s the thing. Releasing pain and sadness gives you access to the joy and beauty of remembering.
Know the function of numbness. It often arrives soon after a death or significant loss. Then it wears off, and the feelings show up. For some people, the numbness returns, maybe from time to time. Perhaps not so intensely as in the beginning. These later rounds serve a function… of giving you a much-needed break. Grief is exhausting, mentally and physically. Like a part-time job you didn’t apply for. The numbness is a gift to keep you from being consumed by feelings of loss and gives you a chance to replenish the energy you need to keep going productively. Some people misinterpret the return of feeling numb, the absence of the pain, as meaning they aren’t caring enough or are “moving on” too soon without the loved one. And they feel guilty about it. Stop the guilt. Accept the break. It’s a natural part of the grief process, and you’re wise to go with the flow.
Grief Wisdom Bite #4: One who grieves alone does not grieve well.
Don’t go it alone. One of the most significant determinants of how well you’ll come through a major loss is whether you have emotional support. Loss happens to all of us many times throughout our lifetimes. Yet many people try to manage it on their own. A result of not being all that comfortable dealing with loss is not talking about it. Like any challenge in your life, though, that’s the time when you really are better off if you do the brave thing and get some support. No unhelpful, yet all-too-common talk like “I don’t want to be a burden”, “They won’t understand”, “I should be able to just buck up and do this on my own.” Or the one I have heard far too often, “Letting someone in on what’s going on means I’m not handling it very well”. The polar opposite of the truth. It’s just that we’ve been conditioned to think that way. I believe that if we are more open, sharing our experiences, we’ll be much better off. Shared wisdom is always helpful. Meaningful connections don’t come from only sharing the good times, right? Think about how you feel when you’ve been there for someone when you know you made it less awful for them. And give them a chance to have that as well.
I sincerely believe that this topic needs to be explored more; too many people suffer from their grief for much too long. Next week, I want to explore letting go and creating a new relationship around a loss.
I’ve created some additional resources for you or to share with someone you care about who is struggling with grief right now. You can access these at the links below: