Letting Go and Creating A New Relationship Around A Loss
Grief can be a difficult topic to talk about. I faced a couple of challenges when I sat down to pen these blogs for you:
1. This is such a large and complex topic. Grief presents itself in different ways, for different people, at different times. I want to give the topic the time it deserves which is why I’m breaking it up over several weeks. So I don’t gloss over an area that deserves more attention.
2. Most illuminating was that writing for you invited me to examine my own moments of grief. What have I done well? What might I have done differently to be more powerful? Have I supported those around me with their journeys around loss?
So let’s continue this journey together…
Grief Bite of Wisdom #5: Letting Go Honors Everyone Involved
Letting go lets you remember the person or experience and be free of the pain of the loss. If you hold onto pain, you don’t really live. You continue to carry the unnecessary weight of unresolved grief. This doesn’t just hold for when someone dies, but for any loss. You’ve lost a job. You’re mourning a marriage that has ended. You’re in a life transition like children growing up and leaving home, retirement, or leaving your home of many years. If you’re in your older years, you may feel you’re saying goodbye to your youth. There are so many types of loss. Take a minute and think about the losses in your life.
*A note about letting go, moving on, and guilt. Many bereaved people hear “moving on” negatively, as though it means forgetting their loved one, similar to the other misconstrued loss phrase “getting over it.” How can I “get over” someone? Why would I want to? Remember, letting go is about releasing yourself from the pain, not the person. Even with this understanding, some people feel guilty; that the necessary letting go of grieving somehow dishonors their loved one or the relationship. I think it’s just the opposite. In letting go of the hurt, you allow the beauty of what was to live on freely. So, you can feel the glory in the memories of a love you got to have.
How do we let go?
The feelings - they come when you see or smell something or hear a song. You see a date on the calendar, and you realize… it’s a birthday or an anniversary, or it’s been a month or a year since it happened.
1. Feel your feelings, whatever they are. This may seem obvious, but I have seen too many people who, when a fair amount of time has passed since a death, think they should be “over it.” (Probably because society suggests so.) Consequently, they push the feelings down or avoid situations that trigger them. Grief has no set schedule. If feelings arise, they’re signaling you that your grief needs your attention. I get it. It doesn’t feel good to feel sad, miss someone, or be angry that they’re gone. Yet your best shot at not continuing to feel them is by expressing them, so you can let them go.
2. If you really want to work your grief, notice when you’ve been having moments when the pain comes, you’ve let yourself feel it, and it comes again soon. Then create a way, meaningful to you, to honor your grief, the relationship, and if it’s a death, the person’s life. Like a ritual that some cultures or religions have when someone dies: wakes, funerals, sitting shiva, etc. If you’re Irish, you know to expect lots of alcohol and laughter after a funeral, as memories of the deceased are recalled fondly. These practices serve important functions of supporting the mourners and creating an opportunity for them to grieve. Some cultures and religions have memorial services a year later, which gives people a chance to mourn again. Yet, for the most part, we’re left to make our way through the loss after those initial rites. It’s up to us to make our own rituals.
Here are some ideas.
Do something, or go somewhere, that reminds you of them. Or something you did together.
Be in a place that allows you to be present in your thoughts, such as enjoying nature where you can walk, or a special spot where you can be still. Maybe listen to music that reminds you of your loved one.
Talk to them. Whatever comes to mind. And keep talking until you feel like you’ve said everything you need to. And you’ve heard everything they need to say to you.
Build something. I’m reminded of a man who mourned his son not by crying, yet by carving a canoe in his basement.
Make a donation in their memory.
Plant a garden – one of my favorites.
Musicians – play a song, or write one, in their memory. Writers and poets – write a piece for them.
It is difficult to start the process of letting go; remember, when you hold onto pain, you’re likely closing your heart a bit so you won’t feel the hurt. Which means you close it off to fully feeling love in other relationships.
As you move forward, past the acute grieving stage, which can take months or years depending on how intentional you are in your grieving, you’ll find the acute pain and “missing them” lessens. When the memory of the person doesn’t bring the intensity of negative feeling it once did. It feels more like a void.
I have good news for you.
What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose,
for all that we have deeply becomes part of us. ~ Helen Keller
If some time has passed since their death, and you have really worked your grief, you’ll be able to re-define the relationship you have with your loved one, transitioning from a physical relationship to a spiritual one. This will take some time. You will have to have truly mourned the loss with many, many moments of sadness and missing them. You’ve only had the experience of a physical relationship with that person, which is why the loss of it is so painful. A physical relationship has you focus on what isn’t; that they’re not here to talk, share, touch… be with you.
Now you get to create a new relationship, one that has a new way of being with them. There will be a shift from the pain of the absence to joy and comfort from feeling that person is accessible to you. This is your reward for working your grief. This is what is meant by someone never really being lost to us after they die.
It might be having a conversation with the person. “What would she say to me about this?” “I can picture him laughing at this” “Oh, she would love this.” Or imagining them with you as you’re celebrating, cooking, gardening, enjoying. And yes, even in tough moments as you fill them in on your life or ask for their opinion. I call it “summoning them” to you, which allows you to create perfect moments with them. And have them live on in you in a meaningful, loving way. I know this requires some attention. It is worth it. It allows a motherless daughter to feel joy and peace on her wedding day, a fatherless son to smile at his newborn child as he imagines how proud and happy Grandpa would be.
I’m reminded of this song…
Keep Me In Your Heart For Awhile by Warren Zevon
Shadows are falling, and I’m running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile
If I leave you, it doesn’t mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile
When you get up in the morning, and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes, keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you
Grief Wisdom Bite #6: Healing with intention will bring you to the day when the thought of what was lost to you brings more smiles than tears.
So, take care of your heart in your losses.
Please remember that you should never feel that you’re alone with your grief. Many of us put up a brave front, so our family and friends don’t know that we need to talk, cry, or just sit. Reach out to your friends and family; they want to help. And know that I’m always just an email away.