Grief: how we can help each other, and ourselves
We lost a great man with the passing of Alex Trebek. How is it that a game show host touched so many lives, most of whom he never met? That the loss of him is being felt so extensively? Because of who he was… kind, smart, curious, encouraging, funny. And in the way he chose to share his experience of coping with a terminal illness with us, so generous. He was hoping that his example might inspire others. To fight the good fight, find joy in even the darkest days, and truly live, even when you are dying. Seeing him with that twinkle in his eye, smiling, lovingly teasing a contestant, continuing to stand tall in his ever-present suit when he must have been in discomfort and pain -- that is greatness. To be honored. Which is a big part of what I believe grief is about. We celebrate what was while feeling the pain of the loss.
This has been a year of grief and loss. We grieve those we have lost too early; we grieve the way we used to live, pre-pandemic. Grief and loss are topics I’ve long wanted to tackle on my blog, but it seemed too big to be truncated into one blog moment. I invite you to join me over the next few weeks as we discuss loss.
If I had to pick only one piece of mastering loss wisdom, it would probably be this.
Work your grief, or it will work you.
What do I mean when I say work your grief? Bring to mind a significant loss you’ve had: someone you love died, you went through a relationship breakup, you’ve had an injury or illness that has altered your physical condition. There’s nothing you can do to change the fact of that loss. Yet there is a lot that you can do to influence your experience of it. In general, I don’t think we learn this in the same way we do other life lessons. Why? People aren’t that comfortable talking about grief and loss. We’re still very much a culture of “Oh, that’s sad. Go ahead; cry for “X” number of days. Then buck up and move on.” Not because that’s the wise thing to do. Because that’s what people want when they’re uncomfortable being with feelings in the negative realm. So many people haven’t learned ways of coping with grief aimed at embracing rather than avoiding. Many, I suspect, aren’t even aware that they have that option.
This means there are many people left in the “or it will work you” category, with health problems like disease and chronic pain, depression, addiction, and other costly habits. And if that isn’t motivation enough to work your grief, grief works like compounded interest. If you do the work of grieving masterfully early on, you’ll be able to manage subsequent losses more expertly. Learning to grieve well is an investment in your future well-being. Since losses are an inevitable part of life, you know you’ll get a good return on your investment.
And the converse is true. The more loss experiences you have that you struggle to navigate, the more you’ll carry that unresolved business into the future. Where it will load onto the top of the next loss, and so on—leaving you burdened by the weight. Unnecessarily.
Have you heard of the “Start ‘em out young with a goldfish” phenomenon? This is my compounded interest theory in action. Parents, who value the skill of learning how to cope well with loss, let their little ones have first a goldfish (maybe from winning a ping pong ball toss at the Fair!). Then the goldfish comes to its end because, well, they just don’t get to live very long. The child begins to know what it means to lose something. Then perhaps there’s a hamster for a few years. And with that, another death experience. Another experience of working through feelings. Then there’s a kitten or puppy, a more profound attachment, and with that an even greater sense of loss. All along the way, there can be so much learning that prepares them for the future. These parents understand that their children benefit from having these opportunities while under the wings of their parents. Who can support them and help them mourn, by creating rituals for saying goodbye and figuring out how they want to manage their feelings. Kudos to these parents! And apologies to the many guinea pigs and gerbils out there in that you were part of a larger plan; we have much gratitude towards you for teaching many of us how to live more completely.
A big part of doing grief work is letting go of the pain. You’re not left with the unbearable weight of the feelings of your loss. Pain has an energy that wants to be expressed. You’re making sure that energy doesn’t travel underground to manifest into other problems. Plus, because you’ve released sadness, anger, guilt, etc., you don’t need unhealthy coping mechanisms to escape the pain. You wisely avoid grief’s double whammy, like “I endured a loss, didn’t address it, and now I have myself a drinking problem.”
Working your grief involves paying attention to what you’re experiencing around your loss and then intentionally doing what you need at that moment. At that moment is a huge statement, as an effective working through means learning, then remembering, to be flexible so you can decide how to respond according to what will help you the most. Which may change from week to week, day to day, sometimes hour to hour, when you are grieving.
Mr. Trebek, magnificent son of Canada, we will miss you. And we will grieve you well as that’s one of the best ways to honor you. Your way of being has made me a better person, and I know many feel the same way. You made many of us more curious and informed, which is always a good thing. You will be remembered.