My Two-fold Strategy for Coping with Anger Better than Ever
If you were to ask 100 people you know right now, including yourself, what negative feelings they’ve had in the past several months, in addition to feeling low, I imagine you’ll hear grumpy, angry, frustrated. What I notice is that even people who aren’t prone to anger have had their moments. Feeling angry may be uncomfortable and unfamiliar. They may not have ever really needed to learn and practice skills to manage anger effectively. So I want to give you some ideas so that your anger doesn’t get the best of you. The upshot is that you’ll have some strategies at the ready for the future that you might not have learned otherwise. Ahh yes, another silver lining of COVID-19.
I know many people have felt low, even to the point of depressed. A general belief is that some parts of depression are anger turned inwards. If you have also been feeling down, know that when you manage anger healthily, it will help you feel less depressed. The anger management techniques I’m talking about aren’t about acting out, raging, or feeling bitter about what’s happened to you. Those are forms of maladaptive anger. What I want you to express is adaptive anger. Lisa Firestone described the benefits of expressing anger brilliantly: “a process of facing up to the things that hurt us… facing off against the inner enemy we all possess that drives us deeper into our suffering. The more we can take our own side and resist our tendency to turn our anger on ourselves, the more compassionate and alive we can feel in facing any challenge”.
Please keep in mind: If you think you are prone to anger aside from during a global pandemic, of course you may want to explore the issues underlying it: with a counselor, anger management workshop or support group, etc. What I’m talking about is what you can do for more immediate relief.
The first thing I want you to do is to acknowledge that you’re frustrated, mad, or irritable. Maybe you’ve had moments when your fuse has been shorter than usual. Don’t question or criticize yourself for feeling this way. You have been called to respond to a very challenging situation for months now. And it’s ongoing. I would be more concerned if you didn’t feel some negative emotions. Now here’s the beauty, the gift of your anger. It’s a signaling emotion. It’s your mind’s genius at work, letting you know it’s time to do something to restore emotional balance. Because it’s not business as usual. All you need to do is put in place some new coping behaviors. Remember that living powerfully is all about self-awareness and figuring out what’s needed at the moment.
1.Your Talk
The next time you feel frustrated or angry, take a moment, and notice your inner monologue. Before those feelings build to a nonproductive level, you’re going to interrupt them. First, normalize them with your version of “Of course I feel this way. This is a very human reaction to what’s going on in my life”. Reassure yourself that the pandemic is temporary and that you will figure out how to manage the challenges every step of the way. If your frustration is rooted in other’s behavior, remind yourself that we are all walking through a tough situation. Ask yourself to be compassionate and forgiving to everyone, including yourself. Later you can approach that person to address the issue with clear thinking and rational problem-solving.
Make the External-to-Internal Shift. Whenever you notice yourself getting angry, thinking about what’s happened to you (loss of job, income, socializing, missed events, inconvenient mask-wearing), acknowledge it. “That happened, and I am really pissed about it.” One of my favorites is “This is BS.” Sit with the feelings of that for a bit. Then ask yourself, “Yes, this happened. There’s not much I can do about that. What can I do right now to improve my situation?” Look at the areas in your life where you can act now to feel better—connecting with loved ones, your physical health, creating activities that bring more joy into your days. This is a quick and powerful tool to get you focused on action-oriented thoughts.
Talk to someone else. There is value in venting your frustrations. You may know it as catharsis; it’s one of the benefits of counseling. And you may learn that the person you talk to has felt similarly: that you’re not alone. Loving connection with others is a wonderful countermeasure to anger.
2. The Physical
Be aware of what you’ve been putting into your body as it has a significant impact on your mood.
Alcohol. The memes and jokes are there for us all to see that many people have been consuming (more) alcohol. That’s a biggie when it comes to anger. And it works, right? It takes the edge off; people aren’t driving you as nuts. It works… in the short-term. Long-term, it costs you more than it is giving. The downside is that drinking buries the anger, and it accumulates within you. Doesn’t it make more sense to get rid of it in a way that doesn’t have the depressant effects of alcohol?
Your food. We’ve all heard about people putting on the COVID 19 lbs. as their stress go-to has been overeating. I know the pandemic has left people feeling deprived, turning to comfort food. If your food consumption has gotten out of control, consider cutting back a bit. I’m with you on this. I’ve still got my Chips Ahoy at home. But a few, after dinner. Not ten instead of dinner. Then get creative about what activities you can use instead of food, every day to fill you up in a way that doesn’t cost you. You may be bringing in old ones or developing new ones. Have fun with this. We’re talking about a hobby, taking an on-line class, being with people doing a sport, or just hanging out even if there are restrictions. Any level of connection is better than no connection.
Move Your Body
Anger has an energy to it, and remember it’s a signaling emotion. Telling you that it’s time to let go of some of that energy. So if you have felt angry, irritable, grumpy, it’s time to get moving more than you have been. I think some of the current distress is because COVID-19 has significantly reduced our activity levels. That energy we’re used to expending has to go somewhere. For some people, it has run amok and shifted to anxiety or anger. If so, irritability is your body and mind telling you to expend that energy elsewhere until you can resume pre-COVID activities.
Whatever exercise you pick, make it something you enjoy. This is about letting go of that anger energy, so you feel better, and can have some fun. Whether you walk, run, dance, get your blood flowing, feel your heart rate increase. Move those limbs! If you are really frustrated, try solo boxing or kickboxing, too. Mobilize that anger. Get it all out. Keep going until you feel there’s none of it left. If it works to do some yelling or swearing at the situation, have at it. Turn up the music! This crazy pandemic happened, and you are not going to let it get the best of you! This is a “nothing’s gonna stop me,” “Take that, COVID!” moment. A friend tried my technique and got great relief blasting “Highway to Hell” and then found himself laughing at the end. See how you can turn it around? This is how you turn anger and the powerlessness of a situation into a powerful, victorious experience. That is how you live unstoppably.
Anger is just a call to action… to let it out and then put that freed-up energy to better use, doing what fills you up with the ones you love. Learning to manage anger isn’t just for now during this challenging time, but for your health in the future. Further, if you’re a parent, model appropriate anger management for your children. Your whole family will be better for it!